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Controlling behaviour and its signs – Are you a part of it?

Controlling behaviors are never something you can be told about it all being just “in your head”, mostly when we hear about a controlling behavior we think about an intimate relationship, if that’s the actual scenario then those forms of controlling behaviors can result to a trauma that will last a little longer. The signs of a controlling behavior are mostly hidden under a veil, and it might prove to be hard to spot them at first but even after you feel yourself being controlled, its hard to snap back.

Building boundaries is something few of us fail in because the fear of being labelled exist but no doubt, you must portray you’re kind, too much of kindness and setting no limits can be deeply dangerous.

Forms of a controlling behavior

Controlling behavior comes in various forms, it can be the silent treatment that guilt traps the other one, you may try to raise your voices in order to show dominancy or it might even be something like making the partner always feel unworthy even of the slightest love, which isn’t true.

After reading this entire article, if you agree to everything mentioned here to be what you’re going through as well, then it might be you who needs to change the behavior because you’re too controlling but you find these to be the features of your spouse then they surely have a controlling personality and its always better to look out for signs.

The root causes of a controlling behavior

A controlling behavior doesn’t appear out of nowhere, its rooted deep inside a person, it might be something as anxiety issues or the fear of ending up alone. The controlling behavior rises when the person is constantly suffering from a low self-esteem or may have some past traumatic experiences which have led them to this.

A controlling behavior can never be justified enough to stay with the person, it might even be short term but if you ever witness a behavior like that then you should better know that it’ll happen again. One of the causes of controlling behavior can also be that when you’re mirroring some control then you’re never ready to work on yourself because one tends to believe that the other party is at fault and they’re the one falling victim to the toxic behavior towards them.  Some of the most common types of controlling behaviors can be like these:

Manipulation

The act of manipulation plays a great role when it comes to a controlling behavior, for example your partner didn’t purchase the dress you selected for them, it looked too good, but they still turned towards something that was duller in color and less sparkles, rejecting the glamorous dress you picked for them. Later, you try to ignore them and treat them with the “silent treatment” and even stop eating food just to show to what extent they’ve hurt your feelings till the time they apologize for hours and show that you’re the one who’s dominant.

Thinking of being used as a scapegoat

In this case you think of being the one who always makes sacrifices just to make things go towards the right side and expect the partner’s contribution to be nothing but the damage they’ve done to you. It’s always witnessed that the partner is guilty of ruining things in the relationship till a point where your partner might stop having a say and believe to be the one who needs to obey everything you say.  

Defensiveness

Defensiveness can be a feeing or a behavior, under this title we’ll be talking about behavior, it’s the time when one starts defending himself by shifting the focus of the topic on the partner because he doesn’t want anyone to acknowledge his faults. You then try to divert the topic and constantly blame the other one even if it’s your behavior that needs improvement. A major part of this is when the person with a controlling behavior even argues how his actions should be protected and that’s even well justified.

Inquiring about the specifics

According to Mary Bono, a clinical psychologist in Texas says, “This mostly happens when your partner is the one who must decide and, in that process, you inquire about the details but fail to show any participation just because you want the entire hold of the decision to make things go your way. You might even think that your partner is making you fall guilty for asking for an entire ownership of the decision-making process but according to you, its your partner who shouldn’t have a say in dealings like that.  

Self-deprecation

Self-deprecation is mainly defined as a behavior when you mostly criticize yourself for not being good enough or being extremely negative about yourself and this is just another type of defensiveness, where you try to control the partner by belittling yourself just to get some attention and appreciation. After a while, your partner might stop giving kind gestures or compliments just because they find themselves in a position where they’re too afraid to hurt you.

Acting as an exhaustive critique

Some constructive criticism might be fine and that too not regularly but constantly criticizing everything about your partner, from physical features to race and ethnicity, you judge and criticize over everything in order to make yourself feel superior and worthy of more just because the partner belongs to what the society values less but actually that’s just a concept you’re trapped in but you force the misconceptions on them just to make them feel that they’re the one who’s unworthy of whatever you’re giving them.

Enmeshment

Enmeshment, if in its extreme can be the cause of a great damage to the partner. You to get as close as one can to your partner just to feel safe and secure because they’re always sure of the fact that the relationship is safe and secure, and the partner should never leave.

In a situation of enmeshment, there’s nothing as my decision or my friend but it always must contain “us” and forcing that can be dangerous even if one thinks this is ground of every relationship and they’re never supposed to have independent engagements in their lives which can keep them caught up.

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